Survivor shares her story to help women experiencing abuse

Halton Women’s Place marked International Women’s Day with a powerful message from guest speaker, Amy Kaufman.

About 150 guests gathered at the Burlington Holiday Inn on Wednesday (March 8) to hear Kaufman, who appeared via Zoom, relate her experiences as the victim of intimate partner violence (IPV) at the hands of her husband, a high-profile sports journalist. She also spoke of navigating the justice system and the steps she took to see him convicted, as well as how the intense media coverage of her case impacted both the proceedings and her personal journey.

“They say It takes a village to raise a child. I believe it takes a village to free a person from the financial, emotional and physical bonds of abuse,” she told the audience.

Kaufman is now a coordinator for Women Aware/Femmes Averties, which provides support to survivors of IVP.  

She related how she was swept off her feet at a time when she was particularly vulnerable following the death of her mother. “It was like a romantic movie,” she said. 

Soon, however, she started to see “red flags” — he became jealous of her male friends and stories about his previous behaviour and relationships weren’t adding up.  “I had entered into the cycle of abuse without even knowing it,” said Kaufman.

By the time she discovered she was pregnant in 2018, she was emotionally and psychologically drained. “My wedding was the worst day of my life,” she said. Her partner has become physically violent, with episodes that included biting, punching and spitting on her.

One such incident occurred in the elevator of her condo building, just days before their wedding, and was captured on security video.

The outbursts, Kaufman said, increased in severity but so did the abuser’s attempts at reparations afterwards — a behaviour clinicians classify as “love bombing.”

“I was purposely being put on a pedestal only to be subsequently de-valued, to destabilize me for the torture that was to come,” said Kaufman.

At seven and a half months pregnant and at that point financially dependent on her abuser, Kaufman told her brother and a friend about what was happening, Although they wanted to call police immediately, she refused, knowing that once the crime was reported she would have to leave, and eventually allow him to spend time alone with their baby, without her protection.

“This terrible choice is the reality that so many face when leaving abuse,” said Kaufman.

Once the baby was born, the abuse Kaufman suffered became more intense and more frequent. She realized that her only way to escape and keep the child safe was to start collecting evidence, such as the elevator video, text messages acknowledging abuse, recordings of abuse and photos of her injuries. 

He plan almost came too late.

“There were more than 118,000 femicides in Canada in 2019. And on July 27, 2019,  a year to the day he assaulted me in the elevator, I almost became one of them,” she said, recounting the harrowing night when her abuser tried to strangle her. She only survived thanks to the intervention of her dog, who attacked him.

Realizing that she wouldn’t survive a subsequent assault, Kaufman reported her abuser. By this time, she had an overwhelming amount of evidence, including the elevator video, audio recordings, 34,000 text messages and hundreds of emails documenting threats, psychological torture and admissions of abusive acts.

Despite her story being so similar to those of other women who experience abuse, she notes the high profile of her abuser set her apart, as did the unwavering support she received from family and friends. 

It took 868 days between the time of the arrest to her abuser’s guilty plea and sentencing. When Kaufman finally had the opportunity to have her voice heard in court, she used her victim impact statement to educate the judge on “the insidious nature” of IVP.

“I wanted it to be clear that this was not an anger management issue or about lack of control. It was a choice that this person had made to control another person, one that he was certain he would get away with,” she said.

Her ex-husband was sentenced to 21 months in jail and his parole has been rejected twice. Kaufman has full custody and parental rights of her son.

For Kaufman, the court process was rewarding and validating — but she’s keenly aware that this is not the case for 99 per cent of other women.

“But I knew that every time I shared my story with someone, they came forward to share their experience with abuse, whether themselves, a friend or family member.

"When I was going through it, I searched endlessly for someone that I could relate to, that had been through it and not just survived but ended up okay. I couldn’t find it. I felt like maybe I could be that person for someone.”

Halton Women’s Place provides emergency safe shelter and community outreach services to women and children experiencing domestic violence and abuse. If you need support call the crisis intervention and support lines at 905-332-7892 or 905-878-8555 or reach out through the online chat tool at www.haltonwomensplace.com/chat.